Ramblings

I haven't been very good the past couple of weeks with updating my blog. I do have some posts to do that technically should go between this one and the one prior...but, here's what I have for now.

I normally try to keep my blog upbeat and the writing surface level (I have an aversion to diaries and journals), but today as I write I find myself a bit frustrated. I am not frustrated with anyone, but myself. As I read all of my favorite blogs its always so clear to me that these wonderful women are doing what they love! I get excited and feel their passion as I read each post. It just makes me think more and more, what do I want to do? What am I passionate about? I tend to do jobs that I am good at, not necessarily something that I love (hello! I am a bookkeeper who hates math! yes, I know, something is seriously wrong with me). I don't ponder things often, but this is what has been on my mind this week.
What brought all of this to the surface? Believe it or not it was a Mary Kay fashion show (clothes courtesy of Dress Barn). I went just to cheer on a friend who was one of the models, but as I was watching these women I was able to see how much they truly love what they do.
Now, I have done several direct sales businesses, so I am pretty clear on how they work and I know that their acheivments are not a fluke. I know they take hard work, but its just neat to see the joy radiating off them to the other people around them.
My problem lies within myself. I go through stages at any job I am at (which is why I haven't gone to college for any particular thing, for fear of not wanting to do it when I finally finish the schooling). By about the 8th month, regardless of the job, I get antsy and decide that I hate my job and I start the job hunt all over again. What usually ends up happening is I look for a job and I might apply for a few, but nothing really serious. I have this fear of letting people down, particularly my bosses. Because I fear disappointing others or leaving them in the lurch, I don't end up leaving. I stay, frustrated with my job and some of my co-workers, all out of fear. Fear of the unknown.
So, what should I do? I have no idea. I think thats why I am writing this all down, contemplating whether or not to actually post this. I abhor writing my feelings down. Its something about putting everything out there for all the world to see (or in the case of my diary when I was younger, the dreaded person who would read my innermost thoughts, which defeating the whole purpose of a diary, not my actual thoughts). I would much rather talk my feelings out with someone, but maybe this will just help get it all off my chest.

***Update***
I am now a Mary Kay consultant! Even if I don't make any money at least I'll be having some fun! :) We'll see what happens with everything else that I talked about.