Thursday, September 01, 2011

Guest Post: Brazenlilly

Since I am on vacation I wanted to give you the chance to meet some of my favorite bloggers! Jen is one of my real life friends!  I just love her to pieces. She spoke at our women's retreat for church this last year and let me tell you, she is hilarious and oh so wise! On top of that she has an amazing voice, she's one cool Momma, and she is super genuine! I am so glad to have her here! Thanks for guest posting for me Jen! Take it away!!

Hello!  I’m Jen and I blog over at Brazenlilly, where I ramble about everything from ironic lessons I learn as a parent to waiting for our adopted son to finding the perfect dish brush.  But I’ll admit, it probably falls in the “mommy blog” category.  I definitely post a lot of pictures of my offspring for the grandparents.  I’m pretty honored to be a guest-blogger for Natalie while she goes on her fab vacay.  I’m totally not jealous.  Not at all. OK, maybe just a little.  I’ll live. I have to say: if you think Natalie is sweet and cute on her blog, well, you should meet her in person!  She’s ridonculously adorable.  I asked her what I should write about, what her readers like, and she suggested I just tell a funny (and preferably awkward) story.

Then my problem became: where to begin?  My number of embarrassing and awkward moments has increased exponentially since I became a mother.   Should I write about when I took my 2 week old to the grocery store and my fragile bladder control failed me?   Or when I was singing on stage at church and my nursing boobs started leaking?  Or when my daughter projectile vomited on the shoes of a woman in front of us—also at the grocery store?  Huh. I’m noticing many of my moments have to do with bodily fluids.  And grocery stores.  I hope you find these amusing, because my vault of funny is deep with blood, urine, snot, spit-up and puke.  Barrel of laughs, right?!?

But I’ll let you in on a little secret…these are easier to share, because I totally blame it on the kids!  The REAL humiliation is when the moment has nothing to do with having given birth or a person under age 10 who doesn’t know any better.  So, in honor of Natalie’s Awkward and Awesome, I’ll just cut to the chase and share a couple doozies.  Nothing but the best for Blonde at Heart! 

Several years ago I worked at a church office.  If we needed to make copies or use the shared printer, we had to walk down the hall to a small copy room.  No biggie.  One afternoon, I was waiting for a particularly LONG printing/collating/stapling job, and my Mexican food lunch (Who are we kidding?  I was young and broke.  I’m sure it was Taco Bell.) was, let’s just say it was settling uncomfortably in my lower GI.  In my innocence, I figured that being alone in this room for a good 10 minutes was a perfect place to—why am I having such a hard time writing this?—to PASS GAS, people.  I tooted, alright?! There.  I said it.

It took about 2 seconds for me to realize the ignorance of my ways.  A SMALL room, with only ONE door?  Oh, sweet, innocent, early-twenties Me.  What did I think was going to happen when one of the pastors walked in RIGHT THEN?  Blame it on…the copy machine?  The non-existent “other” person who couldn’t have just left, because he would have seen them leaving the room?  My stinky toddler who wouldn’t be born for another 4 years?  Nope.  Nothin’ doing.  Just smile, laugh uncomfortably, and GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE.  And never speak of it again for approximately 9 years, at which time you will share it publicly for all the world.  So, yes, Tom B, if you are reading this…IT WAS ME, OK?  I admit it.

I swear I don’t have stomach issues.  I’m mostly a person with mastery over my gas.  But I will share one more embarrassing moment, knowing full-well you’ll all start recommending I be checked for IBS. Many moons later, I was in the grocery store (again) with a 1 and 4 year old and—having learned my lesson—was in a very well-ventilated, large and open aisle, perfect for a quick getaway.  There were 2 other groups of people in this long aisle, but they were down by the frozen pizzas and I was still at popsicles.   I gently let out a teeny-tiny little whiff as I was walking.  I didn’t factor in the fact that my loud-mouth preschooler has a nose that is right about the height of my rear-end.

“MOM! YOUR BOTTOM IS REEEEEEEAAAAAAALLY STINKY!!!”   Heads turn.  Brows raise.  “Oh!  Heehee!  Aren’t you a little silly!  You must be smelling the…the…cheese aisle.  Or Sydney’s diaper!  YES!  That’s it!  Your sister’s diaper! What a funny little man you are!”  Then secretly I grab his funny little arm and walk quickly away towards the register, telling him under my breath to shut his adorable little trap.

So, you know, lesson learned by moi.  Get in control of your sphincter already, girl.  Public gas-passing is a risky, risky business, better left to the professionals—whom I’m assuming are middle school boys, frat boys, and pretty much just boys of all ages who don’t care if someone smells their farts.  And apparently I should avoid grocery stores.  Can someone back me up when I explain to my husband that I can’t do the shopping anymore?

Feel free to stop on by Brazenlilly and say hello!!